When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Guantanamo Bae
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
and this one
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook