When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.