When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.