when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
mariah carrie
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout