When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
There are no pants in heaven.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question