When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
car not found
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time