When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.