@DulciePlaid

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

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@Jake_Vig

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@SteveSuckington

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@huntigula

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

@pattonoswalt

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

@jctwritesstuff

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

@Brampersandon_

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”