@Jake_Vig MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
@DulciePlaid When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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@Jake_Vig 
@hipchkk Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
@SteveSuckington “Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
@donni The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
@hopeygilmore Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
@awescar A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
@huntigula I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
@pattonoswalt “Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
@jctwritesstuff You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
@Brampersandon_ [texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”