When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”