When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
You Might Also Like
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
😬
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.