When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Are you a cat person or a person person?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music