When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I think this should do it.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
subtitles are so good nowadays
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken