When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
No. He’s not coming out to play
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
WWE is French for “yes”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.