When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway