When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.