@UncleDuke1969

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

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@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@jakob_huber

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

@ericsshadow

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@FilmsWeWant

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth