when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
You Might Also Like
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Damn he played himself
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I am crying