When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me