When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
water it, i dare you
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”