When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
🌱🌱🌱
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES