@traciebreaux “but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
@KelleysBreakRm When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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@traciebreaux 
@Cheeseboy22 Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
@NYC_Blonde I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
@aveuaskew If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
@stephenjmolloy [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
@TraylorParker Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
@MrBikferd Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
@UnFitz “Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
@foodfacenow Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
@ICagbanusi I was up all night reading about insomnia