When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner


Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.


[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*



Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.


Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.


“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill


Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can