When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?