When I pack too much for a short trip.
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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The first matador
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.