When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

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Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had


It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?


My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy


Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]


If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.


me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals


I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens