When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end