Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens