When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱