When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.