When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You Might Also Like
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Seek kebab; not attention
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
love it when they get my name right
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.