when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
You Might Also Like
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi