when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
These 3D printers are insane!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”