When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?