When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My Guy
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
#catsoftwitter
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Made something I’m not proud of