when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You’ll be OK
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
When I grow up, I want to be 16
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle