When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…