When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Sharon, call the vet
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.