When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”