When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.