When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?