when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
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Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.