When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.