When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

You Might Also Like


Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!


me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now


“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”


“It’s a long story.”


If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.


Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.


[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.


I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.


You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.