@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

You Might Also Like

@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@JimmerThatisAll

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

@benbrouckaert

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.