When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Muppet Screams
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.