When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My patience has stretch marks.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.