When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.


The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire


Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies


My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home


Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans


On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.


The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?


I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.


“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*