When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Best spot.. 😅
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Why is no one talking about this?!
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.