@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

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@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@bush_piglet

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

@pixelatedboat

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

@LoveNLunchmeat

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

@brendohare

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

@pinupsavant

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@Love_bug1016

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

@OtherDanOBrien

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now