@abbygov

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@nPhelendriqal

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

@Jandalize

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

@Havish_AF

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@velvettusk

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.