when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.


What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?


hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class


Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.