when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?


“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me


I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.


I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?


Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.


Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”


We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.


Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.


Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.