when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
You Might Also Like
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today