When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄