When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes