When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money