When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.