When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
They got a point!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”