When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.