When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin