When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I saw this ending much differently.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!